Here are some pictures of the kids playing in the first snow of the year. We got over 6 in. The kids loved every minute of it. Kari got so tried that she started to fall asleep in the snow but then got up and played some more.

Well just I little update. We have 16 days here in TX left. The house is almost packed. I NEED to go and get a few more boxes. I will do that tomorrow sometime. We are SO happy to be headed about to Utah. We are also talking about what we are going to do where we are going to stay. (Mom we will be staying with you but brian also wants to stay a few days with his grandparents.)
Other then that last night I told Kari night night and went to finish my movie in their room (she was with Brian on the sofa) and I hear when I am about half way down the hall "night night. night night mama" SO right there I KNOW she can talk she just doesn't want to.]
OH and then There are the pics of the kids B in his daddy beret and K playing in the bushes in front of the house

Here are some LO I did this weekend. I will do a few more today as I am packing up my scrapping things as I have 36 days till I move back to UTah

Just a boring post.
Today Blake sent a picture of their van too Brian's phone. We were trying to name the little girl in the van. So we call them to find out if we were right. We still don't know if we were right but the picture was of their NEW van. It is the same model but is a 2005. So it looks a lot alike. I am happy that they have a reliable van for when they move. I really think that other one would have crapped out long before they made it to LA.

On family news. Braxton is a little brat. He say "mean mommy you no wove me" when he got in trouble. I thought it was really funny. But I know if he kept on doing it I would hate it. Kari is a little wild thing and is starting to sit still so I can get her hair out of her face. She really just needs of few toys or to sit in the sink with a little water running.
Brian took some kind of test today. IT is for some award. He is against 4 other guys. He thinks he did well.
I am trying to clean and just be happy. I am finding a lot easier to be happy if I clean just a little bit a day. Now just to keep that area clean and get a new area clean.
That is all. I think in my next post I will post some pictures of the kids

Birthday boy

this is him on the day he was born

Yesterday was Braxton birthday day. I now have a 3 yr old. The last 3 yr have just flew by. I am so glad that he is apart of my life

Easter

Braxton had a ball gathering up easter eggs. I think the cutest thing is that he would go over to Kari's basket and put eggs in and say "ear key key egg" . I am so happy that is was sharing candy and helping his little sister who only interest seemed to be chewing on the eggs and trying to get the stuff out . he would not carry him basket around with him. He had to bring the eggs to it.
Opening the eggs was fun for him. he got cars and candy. He also had to were a sticker as a band-aid(he was not hurt)
She was just a happy girl with smiles for the day and love the candy
I just love this picture
Her favorite thing was the glow worm. She saw it in walmart and just screamed and tried to grab it. She got it and the stuff dog and a book.

It was a really nice day with the family.

There is not much to say about today. I am sad and happy at the same time. I have cleaning to do.

Today I am starting with a new game plan. I really need to be better at everything I do. I need to show my self that I can keep a house clean, workout, read to the kids more, play with them more, and just be happier all around. In the 2 months I have gain about 10lbs. I am back to wearing some of my pg clothes. It doesn't help that Brian tells me that I have gain weight and that he misses what I used to look like but no mater if I get fatter or not he will still Love me and what to be with me. When he says that I tell him that "now I want to go eat even more because you just hurt my feeling". The thing that I have come to realize and I am working on is I need to be happy for me. I stopped my happy pills because not only did I forget to refill them but I was still sad on them. I even told Brian that he is the one that makes me so sad and he was the reason I wanted to kill myself just so I could get away from him. From the day I told him that he has been a LOT better with how he treats me. There are still a few things that get to me but he is working on them. I know that some to most of this comes from moving here and him NEVER being home. He is gone over 15 hours a day and sometimes even more. He is stressed, I am stressed and the kids are stressed. I know part of it is that I am a stay at home mom again. I love being home all day but I am just not a SAHM and feel like I am a single mom. Brian is just like a BF that comes and play with the kids but really never helps. He is GREAT with play with the kids but I am the one that has to put B in time out because him hichowed his sister and I didn't even see him doing it. I am also not suppost to spank the kids. He was abused as a kid and wants a better child hood then he had. Well they will have it. They will not have to work just to have a coat in the winter, if it gets lost they will get a new, They will NEVER have a broom stick broken across there back or thrown there walls. They will always no that they are loved and no have to worry that they were just mistakes and that they ruined our lives. They will have thing that he never got. I have lost my temper with the kids but never hurt them. Brian got really mad at me one day because B was hitting his sister in the head with a little garbage can and I took it away from him and tapped him on the head with it, he didn't even move back away from it. B started SCREAMING OWWW you hurk me. He does that even when you just tell him no. When he is really hurt he just crys and whats a hug, I know because of the one time I did hurt him because he got a hold of a screw driver and stab kari's face and I spanked hime hard 2x one for climbing on thing and 2 for stabbing Kari. I did love him better( i don't think brian parents ever did that after he got in trouble). I have never spanked him that hard again and never will.
So back to why I am trying to change me. I know that if I change me that I will be a better mom and wife. I also know that I am not the only one that has to change. I am thinking of walking or running everyday to help lose the weight and so that I can have me time. If the house is cleaner we are all happier. If I play more with the kids they will get into less trouble(well I hope). So those are my goals. I am going to slowly work up to some of them and just work on one thing at a time.

What do you think? Just the hair ties (I did forget about a green and red one by her ear)






















Hair ties and eyes (still forgot the red one bu the ear)























or hair ties, eyes and lips( still missing the red one)\




These are Kari's Christmas pictures( I did take them like too weeks late too)

Even with me getting over my period I was still worried about being Preggers. So I bought a test. I am Very thankful that is came out negative. Brian saw the box and asked about it and ask if I was. When I told him no. He was sad. He has said in the last month that we are done. I am starting to think that he was more. He has always wanted 4. I never wanted more then 2. But with Kari walking around and Braxton close to 3 I am not sure if I am done. I love having babies to hold and care for. I just don't think I can handle anymore that are as wild as the two I have. I also have to get Brian to realize that I need time to myself. He thinks that just because I stay home I don't need it. I NEED IT. But I am going to put them in daycare part time. I don't have their shot records but they are being sent to me. And as soon as I have them I will get the rest of the paper work done

It is time to up date again.

I have started to work on little albums for my SIL. The two older ones were my flower girls the other 2 were just two little . I can't leave them out as that would just be mean. I have the albums them self made and now I am just looking for the pictures I want in them . There is only one that I don't have a picture of just us/me holding but what can you do. I really hope they like them. IF the work out well I am going to do ones for my mom, sisters and MIL.

Brian went to a abuse class tonight. Every week the first SGT has been called for some kind of abuse, so they had a class on. He came home and asked me if I thought it was abuse " taking away the computer from me" (we have a password that he can change to lock me out) I said I really didn't know. He said well they say Not letting you have a phone or go out ever is abuse. ( I have a phone and he gets me when I don't have it with me and I can leave when ever I need too) to that I said "The web is my contact with the outside world, because I have trouble making friends but I can talk to people on line when ever I need to, and they are more help for me then my phone or the car. I still don't think I gave him the answers he thought I should but I was just telling him how I felt.

I am sorry it this makes no sense to you. I am just really tried. I also don't really make sense when I am awake

Who knows me best? I would have to say Brian. He know what moods I have and how fast they can change. He also know just what buttons to push to make me mad, sad or happy.


Well as soon as I am done cleaning the computers I am going to start on the little wedding books for my SIL. I have the album picked out just need a few pictures I love of them reprinted because they are also going in my book. I can't wait to get started on them

Today my grandma is having her gall bladder taken out. I know they do it all the time but not to my grandma. I think it worries me so much because I can't see her before and she is to drugged to talk to me. I am worried that she will pass away and I won't be there to say good bye. I know if she goes it was for the best. She has been in a out of hospitals for about a year now. She finally got to go to her house after thanksgiving. Now she is back in.

My to do list

load and run dishwasher (2x)
fold and put away all clothes
pick up in the-
*kitchen
*living room
*scraproom
go through 2 or more boxes
look for wedding negatives 2 down 4 to go
scrap/atler something

Today there is not much going on. I am going to be clean as it is a never ending battle but at least it is not as bad as when I lived in Ogden. Other then that I need to go to the store and buy some black spray paint. See if they have a wood working shop here on base( Brian says they do) If so see if they are open on Saturdays. If not I will need to talk to My dad about cutting out some wood and then mailing it to. I would also like to go to hobby lobby and buy a shelve and some blocks to alter for the kids room so they can have a place for their books. I would really like to scrapbook sometime but all I want to scrapbook is my wedding photos and I can't find all the negatives and I don't have a scanner( but I want one). I want to turn some of them B&W and crop some and just play around with them. I know they have to be around here somewhere because I never throw out negatives.

Braxton tried to put me to sleep again last night. I am going to have Brian take a picture of him doing it so I can scrap it. Kari is a little drama queen just like her mommy. I would cry if I was told no or people would look at me (mostly my sister) and she does it to Braxton. She has also started crying when he has a toy she wants. But I am a mean mommy and don't give in.
Brian likes to fight with me about the kids( not big fights just little ones) Yesterday at dinner Braxton wanted an apple and was throwing a fit about me not giving his one. Brian starts in with just give him one. I wanted him to eat some of his dinner so I said no to both of them. Not even 2 minutes later B sits down and eats his food. He is get some apple later because I did say after dinner. Brian seemed a little shock that he gave up so quickly. I see it more and more ever day as I am becoming a strong mother and not letting him have everything he wants. My hopes for this is we can go out to eat without have to leave with barely getting our meal. I also want my kids to behave at home. Brian has also given up on spanking the kids. So it is time out and the tv go off and he has to sit there till he has calm down. He is really big on fits. Part of it is he is tried and won't take a nap. But then he does go to bed easier at 7:30.
I also think that I am going to put the trailer hitch on my bike and start riding after I feed the kids breakfast. I have been thinking about my grandparents alot lately and grandpa Rogers keeps coming to mind. He died of a massive heart attack I think in his forties. I want to be around for a long time to see the grandkids and great grandkids.
Well that is what I had on my mind sorry for the story

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Vent

I just want to run away from my life right now. I am so stressed and I don't get very much help. I am with my kids 24/7. I am the one that gets up with them and puts them to bed. I am the one who changes bums and tries to potty train. I am the one who cleans the house and yes it is not perfect but if some were to stop by I could let them in with out thinking "what are they thinking about this mess". Brian wants it perfect all the time but is not home enough to see that that can not happen. I can't take care of my kids, play with them, read to them, or give them what they not if I am cleaning all the time so the house is perfect. This is the cleanest house we have ever lived in (even as kids), But he wants it spot less all the time. I also can't take care of the kids if I am not taking care of myself. I find myself staying up half the night because I like the quiet time. I have told Brian many times that I need time without the kids. I even take grocery shopping as an outing without the kids as a great time. But then I come home and he is mad that I took to long. I finally asked him why he does that. His answer "well if I knew where the diapers, the wipes, extra clothes and food then I wouldn't be mad that you were gone so long. My answer "diaper are in the bottom drawer of Kari's, wipes are in the white box in the living room, extra diaper wipes are in the same drawer with the diapers, clothes HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THEIR CLOSET OR THEIR DRESSER, food in the fridge,pantry and the freeze." His answer was not the last time. The last time I feed Brax before I left and I changed him and I took Kari.
I am thinking about just leaving this weekend now that he KNOWS where everything is.
I would also like 2 hours in my scraproom without him needing help with the kids.

Potty training

Sucks but Braxton really needs to be potty trained. Every time I start something comes up so I don't ever really get started. Well I am going to do it. He has been in big boy underwear for 3 day now. Yesterday he peed in the potty once. Today not at all but he did get really upset with peeing in his underwear. I am hoping that it he will start going in the potty because of how much he hated it. So hopefully by next week we won't have any accidents.

As I sit here all I can think about is how much my life has change. First thing is on June 4 I will have been married 4 years. I right now have a one year old and a two year old ( he will be 3 March 24). I am living out of Utah for the first time in my life. I really am liking it other then not being close to my family. I biggest thing that I think about a lot is that we might not move back to Utah. When Brian is done with this school there will be people there offering him jobs. I say him because they only offer jobs to non active duty and there are not many of them in his class. If he gets a offer we like, we will be moving where ever it is. This kinda scares me as I have trouble with change. I just hope that where ever we go is a good place for a family and that we will be comfortable there. I would also love it if I didn't have to work. I do have trouble with the kids but Brian and I already talked about putting Braxton in some kind a pre-school. So that should help.

I also have been worrying about what kind of a mom I am. Will I teach them right thing. Am I teaching them the right. I just don't know were to being with all the things I want to do with them. I know have started them on a bed time routine.
Kari is doing better with it then Braxton, but she has always had an earlier bedtime. I think part of the reason I am having a hard time with Braxton is Brian helps put him to bed. They always watch a movie. When I put Braxton to bed it is 2 books then lights outs. It is just hard for me to tell Brian you can't do that because with his school, study groups and homework that is the only time they get to spent together.

The hardest thing

The hardest thing for me to do is keep the house. I spent a week cleaning it top to bottom. Now I am struggling keeping it pickup so I will never have to do that again. It less then a hour of work a day it is really not that hard but I just hate doing it.

The Trip

For Christmas we went to Utah to see family. Brian REALLY wanted to go. I on the other hand didn't. After driving all night brian parents came to pick us about 4 hrs from ogden. it was nice. We would have stayed in a hotel but there were no rooms. We slept most of the first day there. the 2nd we wen shopping as my MIL was not done. 3rd we when to logan to surprise my family. Amanda almost took out the table and her hubby wen she realized it was us. She took the kids over to see the rest of the family as I was getting us drinks ( we met a golden coral) My mom was still in shock when I made my way over. It was fun every one said it was the best Christmas gift they could have asked for. Christmas eve was ok just spent getting ready for santa to come. Christmas morning Braxton got up first I took im up stairs so he could play with his train. What pissed me off was that grandma pulled him away and said you can't play with that till all the kids are up. that is what her family does and not mine even Brian was mad at that . Other then that Christmas was Great . I didn't get aas many pictures as I would have liked put I still got some. I open most of the kids gifts becasue they wouldn't. To busy playing with what Santa gave them. Later we went back to Logan to spend time with my family and open gifts.
One of the days we want to the hot springs it was 18* outside when Kari had had it she just cried and cried. It was a go thing there was hot water in the showers to warm her up.
After that Kari and I were sick. Fever and sniffles. So we didn't do what we had plan because Brian didn't want to leave me behind. The night before we left I got to see parents again. That was nice. Now that we are back at home and I am finally unpacking there are something that I have left behind.
I am still NEVER wanting to stay with the in law again, but I should let go what has happen to make me fell that way .