Today I am starting with a new game plan. I really need to be better at everything I do. I need to show my self that I can keep a house clean, workout, read to the kids more, play with them more, and just be happier all around. In the 2 months I have gain about 10lbs. I am back to wearing some of my pg clothes. It doesn't help that Brian tells me that I have gain weight and that he misses what I used to look like but no mater if I get fatter or not he will still Love me and what to be with me. When he says that I tell him that "now I want to go eat even more because you just hurt my feeling". The thing that I have come to realize and I am working on is I need to be happy for me. I stopped my happy pills because not only did I forget to refill them but I was still sad on them. I even told Brian that he is the one that makes me so sad and he was the reason I wanted to kill myself just so I could get away from him. From the day I told him that he has been a LOT better with how he treats me. There are still a few things that get to me but he is working on them. I know that some to most of this comes from moving here and him NEVER being home. He is gone over 15 hours a day and sometimes even more. He is stressed, I am stressed and the kids are stressed. I know part of it is that I am a stay at home mom again. I love being home all day but I am just not a SAHM and feel like I am a single mom. Brian is just like a BF that comes and play with the kids but really never helps. He is GREAT with play with the kids but I am the one that has to put B in time out because him hichowed his sister and I didn't even see him doing it. I am also not suppost to spank the kids. He was abused as a kid and wants a better child hood then he had. Well they will have it. They will not have to work just to have a coat in the winter, if it gets lost they will get a new, They will NEVER have a broom stick broken across there back or thrown there walls. They will always no that they are loved and no have to worry that they were just mistakes and that they ruined our lives. They will have thing that he never got. I have lost my temper with the kids but never hurt them. Brian got really mad at me one day because B was hitting his sister in the head with a little garbage can and I took it away from him and tapped him on the head with it, he didn't even move back away from it. B started SCREAMING OWWW you hurk me. He does that even when you just tell him no. When he is really hurt he just crys and whats a hug, I know because of the one time I did hurt him because he got a hold of a screw driver and stab kari's face and I spanked hime hard 2x one for climbing on thing and 2 for stabbing Kari. I did love him better( i don't think brian parents ever did that after he got in trouble). I have never spanked him that hard again and never will.
So back to why I am trying to change me. I know that if I change me that I will be a better mom and wife. I also know that I am not the only one that has to change. I am thinking of walking or running everyday to help lose the weight and so that I can have me time. If the house is cleaner we are all happier. If I play more with the kids they will get into less trouble(well I hope). So those are my goals. I am going to slowly work up to some of them and just work on one thing at a time.