Vent

I just want to run away from my life right now. I am so stressed and I don't get very much help. I am with my kids 24/7. I am the one that gets up with them and puts them to bed. I am the one who changes bums and tries to potty train. I am the one who cleans the house and yes it is not perfect but if some were to stop by I could let them in with out thinking "what are they thinking about this mess". Brian wants it perfect all the time but is not home enough to see that that can not happen. I can't take care of my kids, play with them, read to them, or give them what they not if I am cleaning all the time so the house is perfect. This is the cleanest house we have ever lived in (even as kids), But he wants it spot less all the time. I also can't take care of the kids if I am not taking care of myself. I find myself staying up half the night because I like the quiet time. I have told Brian many times that I need time without the kids. I even take grocery shopping as an outing without the kids as a great time. But then I come home and he is mad that I took to long. I finally asked him why he does that. His answer "well if I knew where the diapers, the wipes, extra clothes and food then I wouldn't be mad that you were gone so long. My answer "diaper are in the bottom drawer of Kari's, wipes are in the white box in the living room, extra diaper wipes are in the same drawer with the diapers, clothes HAVE YOU LOOKED IN THEIR CLOSET OR THEIR DRESSER, food in the fridge,pantry and the freeze." His answer was not the last time. The last time I feed Brax before I left and I changed him and I took Kari.
I am thinking about just leaving this weekend now that he KNOWS where everything is.
I would also like 2 hours in my scraproom without him needing help with the kids.

Potty training

Sucks but Braxton really needs to be potty trained. Every time I start something comes up so I don't ever really get started. Well I am going to do it. He has been in big boy underwear for 3 day now. Yesterday he peed in the potty once. Today not at all but he did get really upset with peeing in his underwear. I am hoping that it he will start going in the potty because of how much he hated it. So hopefully by next week we won't have any accidents.

As I sit here all I can think about is how much my life has change. First thing is on June 4 I will have been married 4 years. I right now have a one year old and a two year old ( he will be 3 March 24). I am living out of Utah for the first time in my life. I really am liking it other then not being close to my family. I biggest thing that I think about a lot is that we might not move back to Utah. When Brian is done with this school there will be people there offering him jobs. I say him because they only offer jobs to non active duty and there are not many of them in his class. If he gets a offer we like, we will be moving where ever it is. This kinda scares me as I have trouble with change. I just hope that where ever we go is a good place for a family and that we will be comfortable there. I would also love it if I didn't have to work. I do have trouble with the kids but Brian and I already talked about putting Braxton in some kind a pre-school. So that should help.

I also have been worrying about what kind of a mom I am. Will I teach them right thing. Am I teaching them the right. I just don't know were to being with all the things I want to do with them. I know have started them on a bed time routine.
Kari is doing better with it then Braxton, but she has always had an earlier bedtime. I think part of the reason I am having a hard time with Braxton is Brian helps put him to bed. They always watch a movie. When I put Braxton to bed it is 2 books then lights outs. It is just hard for me to tell Brian you can't do that because with his school, study groups and homework that is the only time they get to spent together.

The hardest thing

The hardest thing for me to do is keep the house. I spent a week cleaning it top to bottom. Now I am struggling keeping it pickup so I will never have to do that again. It less then a hour of work a day it is really not that hard but I just hate doing it.

The Trip

For Christmas we went to Utah to see family. Brian REALLY wanted to go. I on the other hand didn't. After driving all night brian parents came to pick us about 4 hrs from ogden. it was nice. We would have stayed in a hotel but there were no rooms. We slept most of the first day there. the 2nd we wen shopping as my MIL was not done. 3rd we when to logan to surprise my family. Amanda almost took out the table and her hubby wen she realized it was us. She took the kids over to see the rest of the family as I was getting us drinks ( we met a golden coral) My mom was still in shock when I made my way over. It was fun every one said it was the best Christmas gift they could have asked for. Christmas eve was ok just spent getting ready for santa to come. Christmas morning Braxton got up first I took im up stairs so he could play with his train. What pissed me off was that grandma pulled him away and said you can't play with that till all the kids are up. that is what her family does and not mine even Brian was mad at that . Other then that Christmas was Great . I didn't get aas many pictures as I would have liked put I still got some. I open most of the kids gifts becasue they wouldn't. To busy playing with what Santa gave them. Later we went back to Logan to spend time with my family and open gifts.
One of the days we want to the hot springs it was 18* outside when Kari had had it she just cried and cried. It was a go thing there was hot water in the showers to warm her up.
After that Kari and I were sick. Fever and sniffles. So we didn't do what we had plan because Brian didn't want to leave me behind. The night before we left I got to see parents again. That was nice. Now that we are back at home and I am finally unpacking there are something that I have left behind.
I am still NEVER wanting to stay with the in law again, but I should let go what has happen to make me fell that way .